5 Titles That Would Have Been More Accurate than “Most Likely to Succeed”

1. Most Likely to Require Alcohol for Anything Approaching Normal Social Functioning

2. Most Likely to Write Egomaniacal and Vaguely Disturbing Trash Talk Across the Tops of Completed Crosswords (“In your face, Will Shortz! You can take a bite right out of my asscheek!”)

3. Most Likely to Experience a Complete Loss of Self-Worth Upon Having Her Spelling Corrected by a 12-Year-Old

4. Most Likely to End Up in a Gay Park in the Middle of Kansas Wearing a Respirator (I can’t even begin to explain this, but I can assure you that nothing about the situation makes me look good.)

5. Most Likely to Just Squeak By the Deadline for Getting Artificially Inseminated By Her Gay Roommate (I had a few months to spare. So suck it.)

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