by Little Miss Perfect, Health Educator. Because she cares about your health.
1. You’re consuming more food, especially goods with high sugar content and low nutritional value—donuts, brownies, cake pops. You may be making special, arguably pathetic efforts to obtain sugar (e.g. inhaling Smarties that have been stuck in a desk drawer for several years; searching for a utensil for only a few seconds before settling on your index finger as the most expedient way to get Nutella from the jar into your bloodstream). You may also curse the makers of Easy Cheese for not making Easy Fudge, which you would squirt directly into your mouth if those bastards had been forward-thinking enough to make it.
2. Your vulgar insults are increasing in number but decreasing in quality. Because the stress hormone cortisol affects rational thinking, you find yourself exploding with frequent but poorly-conceived epithets, like “nut-sucking fuckwagon” and “rat bastard cunt hat.” This behavior is likely to worsen while you are driving.
3. You take out your frustration on innocent animals. While you may not necessarily harm your pets, you may find yourself yelling unkind things that you would never say to children, e.g., “You have shit for brains and have absolutely no capacity to learn anything!” or “Fine if you don’t want to come inside, you little bitch! I hope you blow away in the storm!”
4. You’re experiencing a persistent desire to stab your boss in the face.
5. You’re crying more often, because you’re a horrible person who is horrible to everyone, and who, due to your horrible diet, is about 24 hours away from a yeast infection and 8-10 years away from becoming a morbidly obese diabetic.