Little-Heard Voices: At a Monthly Meeting of the Coalition for Restoring Animal Pride

Cat #1: When I was going to the vet I saw a bumper sticker that said “Cattitude.” I barfed all over the car.

Cat #2: My human had to audacity to come home one day with a tote bag featuring my likeness alongside the witticism “I’m just purr-aising the Lord.” I pissed right on that odious thing. Then I shit behind the furnace for a week just to let her know I wasn’t fucking around.

Bald Eagle: No offense, but isn’t giving up part of your dignity part of becoming a domesticated animal?

Cat #2: What are you trying to say?

Bald Eagle: I just think that wild animals have it way worse.

Cat #1 [incredulous]: Worse than that tote bag?

Eagle: Have you seen the post-9-11 airbrushed jean jackets? Have you? My head superimposed on an American flag, a tear falling from my eye?

Cat #1: Yeah, that was pretty bad. They made you look like a big crybaby.

Cat #2: At least you didn’t have your picture pasted with an inane, poorly-spelled and ungrammatical remark and circulated on the web. They make us look like fucking idiots.

crying eagle

Eagle: Hey, chimp is coming toward us. That poor guy has it worse than any of us. The way those supercilious fundamentalists have treated his kind is abominable.

Chimp: Hey guys.

All: Hey.

Eagle: How go the plans for the revolution?

Chimp: Eh, all right. Several of the core revolutionaries have committed suicide because of poor self-esteem, which has slowed production of the futons and stalled the assassination plot.

Cat #1: Futons?

Chimp: Yeah, it’s kinda super-secret, but once the wily gibbon we’ve been training picks off Pat Robertson and some of the others, we can start taking over the churches and turning them into houses of ill repute. We’re gonna fill each church with banana-shaped futons and put in a wet bar.

Cat #2: Wow.

Bald Eagle: The future sounds sweet, brother. Hope I’m alive long enough to see the elephants and donkeys storm the Capitol Building.

Cat #1: Well, don’t we all. Viva la revolucion!