Chick-Fil-A: A Survival Guide For Progressives

It’s been almost a year since Dan Cathy, Chief Operating Douchebag of Chick-Fil-A, publicly opposed same-sex marriage, sparking a debate that divided America and raised some uncomfortable questions. Progressives everywhere were left pining for that lightly breaded, perfectly cooked chicken and asking themselves: Is supporting a company whose political stance you disagree with really that irresponsible? Can’t you just suck down your heavenly hand-spun limited-time-only peach milkshakes in private and keep it a secret from your gay friends?

I support marriage equality, and more important, I support the separation of church and state. I really don’t want to give Mr. Cathy any more dollars to funnel directly into the tribe of a-holes known as the Family Research Council. But sometimes I indulge, even though I feel like a crappy human being afterward.

If you, too, suffer from Chick-Fil-A guilt, here are some tips.

Don’t feel self-conscious pulling into the parking lot. No one can tell by the way you look what a hypocrite you are–unless you’re driving a Prius covered in rainbows. In that case, I’d advise parking in another lot and walking toward a different building. Then, at the last second, after you’ve had a chance to distance yourself from your vehicle, cut toward the signature red roof. It will be shining with the glory of thousands of Christly chickens who died so that you may live. And by “live,” I mean “dine on pieces of their succulent breasts dipped in honey mustard.”

If you have this decal on your car, you will need to slink through the Chick-Fil-A parking lot like the abominable traitor you are.
If you have this decal on your car, you will need to slink through the Chick-Fil-A parking lot like the abominable traitor you are.

Be cheerful and pleasant to the employees taking your order. They may or may not share Mr. Cathy’s views, and without a doubt, they will be exceedingly polite. Whenever you say “Thank you,” they’ll reply with “My pleasure,” and look like they actually mean it. It’s as creepy—appropriately, I suppose—as those people who invite you to their church without telling you that’s what they’re doing. If this bothers you, try to be calm. Know that no one can force eternal life upon you without your consent. You’re not going to turn into a Christian just by eating or drinking something. It doesn’t work that way. Except in communion, when it kind of does.[1] [2]

As you eat, focus on what’s important. Scan the other tables for people who look like bigots, and when you find them, glare at them and spend a few moments contemplating your superiority. If you have children with you, you can involve them in this activity. You might call it “I Spy A Bigot” or some such other fun-sounding name. If you’re dining alone, you might like to reflect on the trials of the LGBT people. I, for one, make things OK in my heart by imagining gay sex while eating. Try it. You can do this in whatever way is comfortable for you. Since it’s important to give equal consideration to all, you might think about man-on-man during the nuggets and woman-on-woman during the waffle fries. Switch back and forth as often as you wish; there are no rules. If you want to think about various bisexual configurations with three or more persons at any time, that is also encouraged. A great time to do this is when enjoying a shake for dessert.

Balance your karma by actively supporting marriage equality. Every time you eat at Chick-Fil-A, make a donation equal to or greater than the amount you spent to the Human Rights Campaign. Just be sure not to get your checkbook too greasy, Judas.

Teach your children well. Instead of allowing them to be mindlessly controlled by corporate logos, instill in them the values that are truly important. For example, note how I cleverly altered this book that my mother-in-law brought us from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru:

BEFORE
BEFORE
AFTER
AFTER

See? It’s easy.


[1] This isn’t exactly true. You’re supposed to be a good Christian before you take communion. For example, the Pope recently announced that Catholics aren’t supposed to take communion if they support gay marriage. They aren’t supposed to take it if they use birth control either. My friend N. is Catholic, but she can’t take communion when she goes to mass because she’s a fag-loving whore.

[2] You certainly may argue here that I’m conflating bigotry with Christianity. In the words of Dan Cathy, “Guilty as charged.” And I will continue to do so as long as people use the latter to justify the former.

3 thoughts on “Chick-Fil-A: A Survival Guide For Progressives

  1. I cannot tell you how much I love this post. Hysterical! Chick-Fil-A is new out here and we’ve been boycotting it. But it’s been tempting to go. (Very tempting.) Fortunately I drive a gas guzzling SUV and the Chick-Fil-A by our house is in a very Republicanish neighborhood, so I should be safe to sneak in there without being noticed. (Just have to make sure to do it while my kids aren’t with me – can’t have them calling their mom Judas!) 🙂

  2. **. It will be shining with the glory of thousands of Christly chickens who died so that you may live. And by “live,” I mean “dine on pieces of their succulent breasts dipped in honey mustard.”**

    I may never eat a chick-fil-a again!

    Hilarious. xx

  3. Not all Christians are so closed-minded, thank goodness.

    If it sets your mind at ease, last summer we went to a Chic-fil-a right after the brouhaha. We had three hungry boys and were lost in a big city, so we went to the first restaurant we could find. Feel guilty? Of course. Until we went in and figured out we were the only straight people there. There was less guilt then.

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