Fishers of Men (And Women): How To Deal

Most clubs are elite. The popular crowd. MENSA. My fourth-grade club The Gemstones, so named because “We sparkle when we’re together.” Christianity is the only club I know that actively recruits members, chiefly through innocuous-sounding invitations.

Beware of people who invite you to their church without telling you that’s what they’re doing. These people have secret scoreboards in their church basements where they keep track of all their recruits. Don’t become a statistic!

Tony is in the lead. Linda, on the other hand, obviously needs to step it up.
Tony is in the lead. Linda, on the other hand, obviously needs to step it up.

Below, I have generously provided some model conversations illustrating how to properly decline a dangerous invitation.

Churchgoer: If you’re not doing anything this Friday night, there’s a great play you should come see.

Me: Does it have sheep in it?

Churchgoer: Um, yes.

Me: Is it Candide?

Churchgoer: Um, no.

Me (excitedly): Is it a theatrical adaptation of Animal Farm with puppets?

Churchgoer: No.

Me: Oh. I just remembered I’m busy on Friday.

 

Churchgoer: There’s a really fun social I’m going to this weekend. You should come.

Me: A “social”? Does it have ice cream?

C: No.

Me: Does it have vodka?

C: No.

Me: Does it have Coca-Cola in little paper cups and Bibles and weird bulletin boards with sheep on them?

C: Yes! Actually, it does!

Me: Oh. I just remembered I’m busy this weekend.

 

Repeat after me: Oh. I just remembered I’m busy.

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