House Rules

Given that all recent disagreements have taken place in the kitchen, Abby imposed the following food-related rules:

1. When ice cream has been purchased and brought home in any form, Husband shall have forty-eight (48) hours to consume the frozen product before Abby has the right to eat it.

2. Abby is not required at any time to “share” ice cream out of the container from which she is eating.

3. Abby is allowed to throw out the dregs of whatever stale, disgusting snack food Husband has allowed to languish in an inadequately-sealed bag.

4. If Abby procures the fast food meal, she has the right to impose a fry tax of no more than five (5) fries, which she will eat on the way home. So don’t ask why the order of fries “seems smaller than usual.”

5. At no time shall either kimchi or Circus Peanuts be brought onto the premises.

Corn syrup + red #40 + yellow #6 + peanut-shaped mold = UNHOLY CREATION
Corn syrup + red #40 + yellow #6 + peanut-shaped mold = UNHOLY CREATION


Husband accepted rules 2 and 5 as presented, but took issue with the others. After negotiations, here are the amended rules:

Rule #1: Abby must use “common courtesy” and ask permission before eating anything that has been designated as Husband’s. (Abby: “But what if I get a craving, and you’re not around to ask?” Husband: “I’m never far from my phone.” Abby: “What if you’re sleeping?” Husband: “Wait 15 minutes for the craving to pass.”)

If Abby needs reminding in order to behave appropriately, Husband will place a Howard County “Choose Civility” sticker on the freezer door.


Rule #3: When cleaning out the pantry, Abby will place the bag of snack crumbs in the fruit bowl on the kitchen island. If Husband does not claim it by Monday evening, she may put it out with the trash.

Rule #4: If the order of fries is Large, Abby may impose a fry tax of up to half the carton. If the order is Small or Medium, Abby must buy her own damn order of fries.

*rolls eyes* Lame. The original rules were so much better, don’t you think?


“Choose Civility” spoof sticker courtesy Jon Barnes at

2 thoughts on “House Rules

  1. HA! My kids know the fry tax, and automatically hand it over as I drive, although they only have to slide over one each. I think that your husband just ensured that he gets large fries ALWAYS.

    And they still make circus peanuts!? Banned by Geneva Convention, no?

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