You’ve Been Unfriended: A Form Letter

Dear ___________________,

Hello. This message is to inform you that Abby Byrd has unfriended you on Facebook for the following reasons: [Check all that apply]

___You were scary in high school. You seemed less intimidating when you sent me a friend request, but then I freaked out and decided that you were still scary. Kind of my fault, but maybe you shouldn’t be an intimidating bitch.

___You insist upon using apostrophes where they are not needed.

___You post your status updates in all caps.

___You end all of your status updates with “LMAO.”

___You punctuate your status updates with a cavalcade of exclamation points.

___You exceeded the bounds of human decency by posting the results of your child’s paternity test.

___You post status updates to let me know God’s daily promises for you, which are A) too frequent and B) boring. Why is it always “peace” and “comfort,” and never something cool like a diamond as big as a baby’s head or a real live Pegasus or a gaggle of whores? (Do whores come in gaggles, or is that just geese? What do you call a group of whores? Is it one of those weird names like a “troop” of monkeys or a “congregation” of alligators?)

___You intimated that [fill in most recent natural disaster] was caused by God’s wrath because [circle] queers can marry now/a Muslim is president/women are wearing pants.

___You posted this picture:

Because religion = morality.
Because religion = morality.

___You reposted an article I posted on another person’s page and offered the CORRECT interpretation of separation of church and state, because you obviously [circle] lived two centuries ago and were privy to the founding fathers’ innermost thoughts/studied the works of scholars like Joyce Meyer/confused reading the Focus on the Family web site with passing the bar exam.

 

At first I tried simply hiding your updates, but I soon found your presence on my friends list and access to my daily musings too deeply troubling. I wish you well, and may you live long and prosper on someone else’s news feed.

Today, God promises me a stress-free Facebook visit. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Abby

4 thoughts on “You’ve Been Unfriended: A Form Letter

  1. Every time I read your blog I LMAO!!!!!! (Hoping you don’t block my comments!) And yes, like Kim, checking to see if we’re still friends. Hee Hee!

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