Because Jack has no fear yet, he toddled right over to where children were gathered around a terrifying clown making balloon animals. Jack bent down, picked up a stray deflated balloon, and gleefully began to eat it. I was chasing after him with the stroller and a plate of fried Oreos, which I was carefully trying not to drop on the ground, because keeping a plate of fried Oreos in tact is only slightly less important than rescuing my toddler from a lunatic.
Wait a minute. Something was wrong with this clown. More than what’s usually wrong with clowns, I mean.
I soon saw that he was standing in front of a white shed-like building and that another clown, a young woman, was asking kids if they’d like to come in and hear a Bible story.
No fucking way. These were Christian clowns.
I walked by as quickly as possible and avoided eye contact, my heart beating fiercely. I tried my best not to look scared or like an atheist, because I think they can smell both fear and atheism.
Later that night as I was searching for a photo for my post entitled “Clowns for Christ,” the internet revealed to me, as it often does, something disturbing. “Clowns for Christ” isn’t something I made up. It is real.
This is a real thing.
This photo is not from a humor website. It’s not something I engineered at home with tiny, remarkably-real-looking clown dolls and a Bible, or something I photoshopped. It is a real photo of Junior and La-la from the professional clown ministry at clowning4christ.com. (Page heading: “If you need a professional Ministry Clown, give us a call.”) Apparently, you can also call them if you want to learn clowning:
In addition to our performance ability we also teach a professional level of clowning to all Christian clowns as well as secular clowns.
This web page is so rich with awfulness that I could write about it for an entire month. We need look no further for proof that Christians are contributing their fair share to the moral decay of society. These clowns are fucking terrifying. They are the most terrifying type of clown I have ever seen or imagined, including the Justin Bieber clown and the clown spider. (The clown spider has a spider’s body with a clown face and a huge red floppy shoe on each of its eight legs. It does completely unfunny tricks to lure you in, and then it bites you and transmits lethal clown poison.)
Look, Christians take things over. I get that. They took the pagan holidays—OK. Still not happy about it, and I would have appreciated an apology or an offer of reparation, but OK. They hijacked morality. They have their own business directories with fish on them—for reasons I still can’t discern, although I can only assume people are supposed to feel somehow safer getting their hair cut by a Christian barber and having their goods transported by a Christian trucking company. If I owned my own business, I’d put an atheist symbol on it just to let people know not to deal with me because I’m a two-faced scumbag cheat who will steal your packages, put arsenic in your cupcakes, and kill your pets when you hire me to groom them. I’m getting off track. The point is, Christians have sunk to a new low by with this distinctly unholy fusion of clowning and Christ. I now have to worry that clowns are going to try to convert me before they kill and eat me.
The intent, I realize, is to spread “the good news,” especially to children. According to childrensministry.com, some of the “kid-tested” tricks currently being taught to ministry-clowns-in-training include the following:
1. Carry a giant foam sandwich. Tell kids you’re “feasting on the Word of God. You put it inside, and it’ll make you grow.” (Never accept food from strangers, especially clowns! Also, you can’t grow on words OR foam. Everyone knows this.)
2. Take a feather duster and prepare the kids for children’s church by dusting them off. Say, “Create in me, O God, a clean heart.” Avoid eyes and mouth areas. (Good call. Keep spreading lice from child to child. Also, go ahead and dust them right in the eyeballs. You’re already spreading lice, so who cares?)
3. Carry a box that opens up, such as a pencil case or school lunch box. The outside reads “Parting of the Red Seas.” Open to reveal several red letter C’s that have been partially torn. (Jesus Christ, clown. It’s like you’re not even trying.)
Innocent, if lame—but I can’t think it’ll be long before some rogue Ministry Clowns (wait, are those in Harry Potter?) pervert the original purpose and start terrifying children with hellfire-and-damnation tricks:
Take a bag of charcoal briquettes. Open it and dump it on the children. Wave a lighted match and shout, “Believe that Jesus died for your sins, or burn forever!”
I hope that doesn’t happen. As ministry clowns Randy Christensen (a.k.a. “Simon”) and Janet Tucker (a.k.a.“Jelly Bean”) write, clown ministry is “motivated by love and care for others” and can happen wherever “the clown may nurture another’s soul by bringing comic relief to a stress-filled person.” Which seems like a noble goal, until you read this:
Some have added a clown character to both weddings and funerals, and many are blessed when someone in the audience gets the “great AHA!” and finally understands the simplicity of the message through the clown character.
The simplicity of WHAT message? That somebody died? I’m just laying this out clearly: If someone in my family dies, and a ministry clown shows up at the funeral with a feather duster, I will kick that clown right in his fucking clown nuts.
I miss the old days, when you could just use candy to brainwash kids. When all clowns were secular, and the worst they’d try to do was stab me to death and dump my body down a storm drain.
- Fear Of Clowns: Yes, It’s Real (npr.org)
- If you’re in South Carolina and need a ministry clown, go with Buttons the Christian Clown. He has great reviews, and his balloon animals are nothing short of miraculous. (Seriously, walking on water? Try making a balloon Batman, Jesus, and then we’ll be impressed.)