Buttholes!

This is my 51st post, and while I love blogging, building an author platform has been an even slower process that I imagined. A blog needs about 20,000 hits a month to be considered influential. That translates to 5,000 hits a week. I’m getting between one and two hundred hits a week. It’s something, but it’s not enough to convince an agent that there’d be enough buyers for a potential book.

I want to write about things people find relevant, like whether I’m being successful enough in life, and why I never feel connected to other human beings, and how it’s terrifying to be stuck on a rock floating through space knowing death is imminent, and if it’s normal to fantasize about stabbing people repeatedly in the skull with some sort of sharp instrument. (Because I do fantasize about that a lot.) But it’s not enough to write well and be relevant; I have to be so mind-blowingly awesome that half the free world can’t go to sleep at night until they visit my site.

What reliably attracts people in an era of constant stimulation? I’m racking my brain for strategies—even cheap ones, like flashing banners or pictures of kittens with abnormally large eyeballs and poor grammar. Should I adopt the strategies of advertisers and appeal to people’s fears of inadequacy? Tell them, for example, that if they visit my site they will grow a bigger penis? Or the female equivalent? Recently an author adopted the questionable strategy of spamming the piss out of everyone on Goodreads to promote his new book. I could do that for my blog, right?

Hey [name of man], Little Miss Perfect has the FREE secret to growing a member that will make women gasp in awe when you drop your pants!

or

Hey [name of woman], Little Miss Perfect has the FREE secret to growing breasts so irresistible to men that you’ll never have to read another book!

Husband has been singularly unhelpful.

Me: My stats are down. It’s depressing.

Him: Tell people if you get enough likes, you’ll post a picture of your butthole.

Me: [giving him a look] I…

Him: Do you want to be successful, or not?

Me: …don’t…

Him: That’s what it takes; that’s all I’m saying.

Me: …want…

Him: You gotta give the people what they want.

Me:…to post a…

Him: [shrugging] Obviously, you’re not willing to do what it takes.

Me: …picture of my butthole.

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After pondering his suggestion, I decided that I couldn’t think of anyone who would choose to do anything that would result in my posting a picture of my own anus. Which means I could easily turn the proposition:

If I don’t get 100 likes within the next 48 hours, I will post a picture of my butthole! Be warned!!!

Of course, this would require a bit of compliance on the part of the reader, but I could easily embed the photo so that it popped up as a nasty surprise, like the goatse.cx meme of the early 2000s. (The link does not show the meme, but contains a link if you want to see the meme. I would advise against it. Wikipedia describes the photo as “a naked man stretching his anus with both hands, to approximately the width of his fist.” Interestingly, Wikipedia has hyperlinked “anus,” presumably for anyone who needs to look it up on a collaboratively edited online encyclopedia.)

I’m just joshin’ ya about the butthole pic. I’m not here to win readership through intimidation. However, if in the next few weeks you see a post you enjoy, please share via Facebook. When I get 100 Facebook likes, I will not only NOT spread my natal cleft* (look it up), but I will also begin posting excerpts from my book Smart Girl’s Flames: The Terrifyingly True Story of How I Got to the Altar.

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__________

*That’s right. Buttcheeks are called “nates.”

Addendum:

I REALLY wish I had not looked at WordPress’s “Related Content” suggestions for this post.3805468836_0b2a72c8d6_m

10 thoughts on “Buttholes!

  1. oh my word. half asleep drinking coffee and major giggles. i love your blog… and will happily share your awesome posts. Being a novice still (how long do I get to keep saying that?), my stats would depress you…guess I need a new angle too. haha!

  2. You just won yourself another fan. This was super funny. 🙂 Good luck racking up readers! I am a newbie to blogging and nearly keeled over from delight for a 48 view high.

  3. The more you worry about stats and being influential, the more you will lose your own voice and write for the assholes out there.

    Write what you write, girl! Do not sell your soul to the masses for readership.

    You. Are. Enough.

    Just be yourself!!

    Xxxx

  4. Building a platform is so hard. People are busy. There are only so many blogs one can read in a day. For example, I read all your posts yet still somehow missed this one. (I should be writing a post of my own, but instead am procrastinating by scanning old emails.)

    But, and I say this in all seriousness, you are a great writer. Your voice needs to be heard. So keep at it. Keep commenting on other people’s blogs. Check out this website and submit something http://www.inthepowderroom.com. Submit to Huffington Post. (Hmmm…. maybe I should try those tactics myself.)

    Just keep swimming, Abby. It will happen. I know it will.

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