Education: It’s Time for Those in Power to STFU

Welcome to education! We politicians know you will have a rewarding career in teaching. Before you get started, let’s address some FAQs.

Q: What will be my primary responsibilities as a teacher?

A: Whether you teach ES, MS, HS, Pre-K, or K-12, it’s imperative that you meet the CCSS so that your students will succeed in programs like IB and AP, score a high GPA, and perform well on the ACT and SAT—and most important, graduate CCR.

Q: How can I prepare my students for taking standardized tests?

A: State assessments like the PSSA, MSA and SOL, which under NCLB required every school to reach AYP, will be replaced by the PARCC. Which is a PBA, like the MSPAP, so if you’re opposed to supervising in goggles and an apron while 12-year-olds drop acid on pieces of hot dogs in beakers and then write about it collaboratively, you might want to look for another job now.

file000978694068

Q: How can I help students with special needs?

A: You will encounter not only students who are GT, TAG, or GATE, but also students with IEPs and 504s. The IDEA requires that all students have the right to a FAPE and to be educated in the LRE, so find out if your special needs students are LD, ED, ADD, HI, VI, SI, OCD, ODD, OHI, GT/LD or some combination thereof, and plan accordingly. You should also know which students have BIPs. Don’t forget ELLs, who may be receiving ESL services. Fortunately, UDL works for all of them.

Q: How will I know if I’m an effective teacher?

A: By consulting your school’s SIP, establishing an SLO and enacting a simple data collection process called CFIP. Although it sounds like a heart condition or an intestinal bacteria that once ravaged your grandmother’s nursing home, CFIP is a foolproof method for collecting data so you can prove you’re doing what you’re already doing.

Q: Where should I turn if I need help?

A: Whether your specialty is ELA, STEM, FACS, or PE, always remember, your principal, AP, TDL, ITL, BOE, PTA, and NEA will be there to support you. But if they’re all too busy, we recommend consuming as much alcohol or refined sugar as it takes to forget that we’ve rendered education FUBAR.

 

_______

Photo credit: Morguefile.com

**Please note that the author is not accepting hate mail from people with no sense of humor.

9 thoughts on “Education: It’s Time for Those in Power to STFU

  1. Just discovered your blog and have been doubled over laughing for the last hour reading through your posts! I’m teaching English in the Philippines right now and this post in particular made me thankful that I’m not teaching in the States at the moment! You’re fucking hilarious and awesome. Must be the name.

Comments are closed.