Astroglide to Debut Pumpkin Personal Lubricant for Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer Astroglide announced Friday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October.

Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the same quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for Astroglide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.”

America's favorite gourd
America’s favorite gourd

Astroglide reports that with each successive autumn, the company has been feeling pressure to meet the demands of an ever-growing pumpkin-obsessed public. “Those women buying pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffin mix, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin body lotion need lube just like everyone else,” said a member of the company’s marketing team. “When fall hits, we want that part of our consumer base to think, ‘The weather’s getting colder; what I really need right now is a pumpkin-flavored c*ck.’”

While Astroglide doesn’t expect Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant to do well with its male demographic, the company plans to rely on an inherently female weakness for pumpkin products coupled with an inherently male weakness for going along with anything that will get them laid.

The company will specifically target pumpkin pie lovers with Spicy Pumpkin Warming Liquid, debuting in fall 2014.

10 thoughts on “Astroglide to Debut Pumpkin Personal Lubricant for Fall

  1. I hate the acronym O.M.G….but I seriously think I might use it here! F’ng hilarious. My husband is staring at me strangely as I crack up. This is awesome.

    1. Hi Jen, yes, that’s what I meant, but you do know this is satire, right? It’s not a real article. I don’t want to get pumpkin lovers excited for no reason!

  2. IT’S NOT REAL!!! Sooooo dissappointed! My boyfriend loves pumpkin and this would have been the perfect present for our first time…

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