Internet Personals Headlines I Have Actually Seen

Shinning Armor Included.

(Really. Is a dictionary included?)

Seeking a Real Woman.

(Why? Synthetic ones are so much easier to maintain.)

Whispering Fish.

(Bellowing aardvark?)

I like alot of geeky stuff.

(“Geeky stuff”: +2. “Alot”: -100. Sorry.)

Not a Haggard.

(That’s a shame. I was looking for Merle.)

Hello, handsome.
Hello, handsome.

I wear hats.

(I wear underwear. Most of the time.)

Where have all the flowers gone…

(Some pigs trampled and shat on them. I think.)

Turn on the bright lights


Mom Say’s I’m Goodlooking

(Mom is visually impaired. Chances are, she’s also bad with apostrophes. And hyphens.)

The Complete Package

(Good. Because sometimes those little allen wrenches are missing and you can’t screw stuff in. And so help me God, if I have to go back to IKEA…)

Why not see and feel for yourself?

(Whoa there, lad! I don’t even know you!)

Looking for a women to share my time with

(I regret to say I can’t satisfy this request, being only one woman. Try looking in an alternate dimension where it’s possible to be both singular and plural AT THE SAME TIME!)

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