No-Bullshit Titles for Best-Selling Christian Books

Shackover

The Shack, by William P. Young

A Banal Tale Centered Upon a Hackneyed Metaphor That Will Pass As Great Literature Among Middle America’s Housewives

Left_Behind

Left Behind, by Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins

Bigoted Asshole Kirk Cameron Needs A Shitty Movie to Star In 

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The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

I Will Make 5 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS Selling This Book to Deluded Couples Who Espouse an Inherently Misogynistic Religion and Probably Shouldn’t Be Married If They Need a Book To Explain How to Be Married

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The Love Dare, by Stephen Kendrick

Anyone Who Bought The 5 Love Languages Will Buy This Book and Then It Can Be Made Into Another Shitty Movie Starring Bigoted Asshole Kirk Cameron

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Heaven is For Real, by Todd Burpo

Heaven is a Mythological Construct That We’re Using to Pander to a Sad, Gullible Public and Exploit Our Child for Financial Gain

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To Train Up a Child, by Michael & Debi Pearl

A Few Kids Might Get Killed As a Result of This Book, But At Least They Didn’t Grow Up to be Atheists and Homos

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Killing Jesus, by Bill O’Reilly & Martin Dugard

The Jews Did It

 

I thought about adding Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life, but I couldn’t come up with a title for it. I did, however, find this book review on Goodreads that is too precious not to share:

when i thought my LIFE has no perfect meaning… that i was going on with boring days of 24/7 !! ” PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE ” came into my LIFE with a KICK of knowing what is GOD’S purpose in my LIFE !! i came to know that iam not a mistake but of GOD’S CHOOSEN ONE !! HE choose me from the FAREST CORNER of this world & appointed me to BEAR FRUITS.. FRUITS that will ENDURES FOREVER & EVER… AS YOU KNOW FOREVER IS A LONG TERM OF TIME !!
i would prefer you “ALL” to read “this” book to get recharged !!
PRESS ON & ON..
FOR JESUS !!
GOD BLESS U ABDUNTENTLY !!

Dear God. Give me some of what she’s having.

4 thoughts on “No-Bullshit Titles for Best-Selling Christian Books

  1. I’m reading THE SHACK presently and love it. Love the idea of God as a big black woman…

    & I don’t consider myself a middle American Housewife!

    Just started the Love Dare w/ Mr. Liverpool, too.

    Wow, you’re reading my freaking mind!

    Don’t judge me, okay? And don’t call me Stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I read Jong, Plath, Austin, Hemingway, Angelo, Gloria Stein, & Woolf, as well!

    ..but seriously, I still REALLY dig ya. Do you still dig me? XxxOOoo

  2. I can picture the writer of that review totally sloshed with mascara stained tears running down her face. (I’m assuming “her” since she feels appointed to “bear fruits”) 😉 I actually read 3 of those books based on recommendation and some need for spiritual guidance over 10 years ago. I actually read the whole freakin’ Left Behind series…that series is like the Twilight series and Pringles, you just can’t stop at one. The movies were pretty bad even considering I thought Kirk Cameron was such a babe at one time. The Shack was awful, completely hokey.
    Anyway, people need to do whatever connects them with something bigger if that is what they seek. Although, I believe religion puts boundaries on the infinite and you can simplify the whole thing by finding it within yourself. But, I digress. I enjoyed this post very much.

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