No-Bullshit Titles for Best-Selling Christian Books

Shackover

The Shack, by William P. Young

A Banal Tale Centered Upon a Hackneyed Metaphor That Will Pass As Great Literature Among Middle America’s Housewives

Left_Behind

Left Behind, by Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins

Bigoted Asshole Kirk Cameron Needs A Shitty Movie to Star In 

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The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

I Will Make 5 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS Selling This Book to Deluded Couples Who Espouse an Inherently Misogynistic Religion and Probably Shouldn’t Be Married If They Need a Book To Explain How to Be Married

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The Love Dare, by Stephen Kendrick

Anyone Who Bought The 5 Love Languages Will Buy This Book and Then It Can Be Made Into Another Shitty Movie Starring Bigoted Asshole Kirk Cameron

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Heaven is For Real, by Todd Burpo

Heaven is a Mythological Construct That We’re Using to Pander to a Sad, Gullible Public and Exploit Our Child for Financial Gain

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To Train Up a Child, by Michael & Debi Pearl

A Few Kids Might Get Killed As a Result of This Book, But At Least They Didn’t Grow Up to be Atheists and Homos

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Killing Jesus, by Bill O’Reilly & Martin Dugard

The Jews Did It

 

I thought about adding Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life, but I couldn’t come up with a title for it. I did, however, find this book review on Goodreads that is too precious not to share:

when i thought my LIFE has no perfect meaning… that i was going on with boring days of 24/7 !! ” PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE ” came into my LIFE with a KICK of knowing what is GOD’S purpose in my LIFE !! i came to know that iam not a mistake but of GOD’S CHOOSEN ONE !! HE choose me from the FAREST CORNER of this world & appointed me to BEAR FRUITS.. FRUITS that will ENDURES FOREVER & EVER… AS YOU KNOW FOREVER IS A LONG TERM OF TIME !!
i would prefer you “ALL” to read “this” book to get recharged !!
PRESS ON & ON..
FOR JESUS !!
GOD BLESS U ABDUNTENTLY !!

Dear God. Give me some of what she’s having.

 ***

In case you don’t already know, I’ll formally come out: I believe in science. There we go. Now that I’ve said it, I feel so much better. It probably isn’t inaccurate to describe me as “anti-Christian.” I prefer to say that I dislike all religions equally, although when it comes to setting off my Bullshit Detector, there’s nothing quite like Christianity. Also I won’t deny that I own a bumper sticker that reads “So Many Christians, So Few Lions,” but I hide this behind the bookshelf when my mother-in-law comes over, so I think you could describe me as remarkably considerate of other people’s feelings.

I suspect that someone will take offense to this post, and write me about this “war” that’s supposedly being waged on Christianity. People, this isn’t a war. No one’s oppressing you. No one is threatening you with violence, no one is telling you that you can’t worship the way you please, no one is burning your bibles, no one is denying you any other civil rights like speaking freely, living where you wish, marrying whom you wish, raising your children as you wish, and having whatever job you want. And yet, somehow you’re still complaining that somebody wished you “Happy Holidays.” How fucking dare that oppressor acknowledge holidays other than your own.

The bumper sticker thing? About the lions? That’s a war. That’s persecution. My making fun of your books? That’s my right to speak freely and call bullshit where I see it. It’s as Patton Oswalt says: you have the right to believe in whatever you want. And I have the right to say that it’s stupid.

4 thoughts on “No-Bullshit Titles for Best-Selling Christian Books

  1. I’m reading THE SHACK presently and love it. Love the idea of God as a big black woman…

    & I don’t consider myself a middle American Housewife!

    Just started the Love Dare w/ Mr. Liverpool, too.

    Wow, you’re reading my freaking mind!

    Don’t judge me, okay? And don’t call me Stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I read Jong, Plath, Austin, Hemingway, Angelo, Gloria Stein, & Woolf, as well!

    ..but seriously, I still REALLY dig ya. Do you still dig me? XxxOOoo

  2. I can picture the writer of that review totally sloshed with mascara stained tears running down her face. (I’m assuming “her” since she feels appointed to “bear fruits”) 😉 I actually read 3 of those books based on recommendation and some need for spiritual guidance over 10 years ago. I actually read the whole freakin’ Left Behind series…that series is like the Twilight series and Pringles, you just can’t stop at one. The movies were pretty bad even considering I thought Kirk Cameron was such a babe at one time. The Shack was awful, completely hokey.
    Anyway, people need to do whatever connects them with something bigger if that is what they seek. Although, I believe religion puts boundaries on the infinite and you can simplify the whole thing by finding it within yourself. But, I digress. I enjoyed this post very much.

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