God’s Press Secretary announced yesterday what people have long feared—Michelle Duggar, Arkansas mother of 19, is a genetic monstrosity.
“Basically, we fucked up,” he said.
Duggar is the result of a whimsical experiment wherein God and his Creation Team spliced rabbit DNA into human DNA to potentially increase human reproduction.
“The first women we tried didn’t work very well,” reports the Archangel Gabriel, Head of Creation. “They just had big ears and buck teeth. The second batch had puffball tails and an insatiable sex drive, but were excessively twitchy and ate their weight in carrots every day.”
The Creation Team thought they’d achieved the perfect blend with Duggar. Born completely human in appearance, upon sexual maturity, she was found to be exceptionally fertile. She also possessed a pleasant docility, a vacuous stare and a seemingly endless capacity for indoctrination.
“At first, we were really pleased with the results,” says Gabriel, “but after she started homeschooling the offspring, we realized our experiment was misguided.” By then, says Gabriel, the damage couldn’t be reversed. To date, their experiment-gone-awry has resulted in twenty-two additional very fertile Independent Arkansan Baptists and a brain-numbingly horrible reality television show. God’s Press Secretary has issued a formal apology for these abominations.
God himself was reluctant to speak to reporters, but a source quoted him as grumbling, “What number are we on? Eighteen? Twenty-two? I mean, fuck.”
Michelle Duggar could not be reached for comment because a tiny Baptist was falling out of her vagina.