25 Actual Internet Searches That Have Led People To My Blog

  1. classroom rules
  2. letter people
  3. ups truck
  4. pumpkin spice lube
  5. anxious child
  6. pissing grandfather
  7. triscuit jingle songs
  8. spider clown
  9. i can’t go into a church i would burst into flames
  10. aggressive donuts
  11. pornstar coloring book
  12. small turkish vagina photo blogger
  13. what issue of rolling stone magazine has hitler on it
  14. why do some gay men go to parks
  15. african statues of men with big penises
  16. little miss anal pants
  17. 5 ft teddy bear with broken heart
  18. perfect butthole
  19. butthole blog
  20. words written on the butt using the butthole
  21. looking at sleeping girls butt holes
  22. if i have bigger buttcheeks do i have a bigger butthole
  23. christianity is bullshit
  24. learn your fucking homophones
  25. using candle as my penis

 

Most of these, although bizarre, make sense. About others, I have commentary:

#12: Because the syntax might be misleading here, I’m not sure if you were looking for a small Turkish blogger who has a vagina photo blog, or a Turkish photo blogger with a small vagina. Regardless, sorry that my post about hypothetically getting inseminated by a turkey baster did not meet your needs.

#16: Not an expression that’s currently in use, but I’m not gonna say it doesn’t describe me.

#17: I don’t think I’ve ever written anything about a 5-foot teddy bear, broken-hearted or not. The whole idea is disturbing. Nobody likes a big, mopey-ass bear, but I wouldn’t want to meet a smiling 5-foot-tall teddy bear in an alley, either.

#s 18-22: Why the butthole fixation? True, I did write one post entitled “Buttholes,” but I certainly wouldn’t call my blog a “butthole blog,” nor would I assert that my or anyone else’s butthole is “perfect.”

#20, I don’t even know you’re talking about. Is this writing on someone else’s butt while holding a writing implement in one’s butthole? And if so, is there a reason for attempting to do this? I know you kids get bored easily these days, but there’s always Netflix.

#22, I’m not a proctologist, so I can’t answer your question with any kind of authority. I hope you were able to use the internet to gather the data you needed. Even if you did discover a relationship between hole and cheek size, remember: correlation is not the same as causation. So don’t go trying to enlarge your own anus by getting gluteal implants. An overly large butthole is just harder to write with.

#25: Can’t solve problem with the information provided. Are you male or female? What do you want to use the candle penis for? As a source of light? Then by all means, proceed. I wouldn’t recommend it for any other uses traditionally served by a penis. If you’re female, sounds like you may want to keep your candle-penis by your bedside in case the pervert that searched #21 tries to sneak into your room to look at your butthole while you’re sleeping.

3 thoughts on “25 Actual Internet Searches That Have Led People To My Blog

  1. Noting causes my mouth to hang open wider than the odd searches that lead people to my blog. (“best gorgeous fresh pointy breasts dancing and fucking in a party or clubs free sex party croweded”??? – You’re a freak. Plus you can’t spell. Please get your nasty eyes off my blog.)

    I’m surprised for #24 you didn’t comment with “Please.” 🙂

  2. OMGGGGosh,
    they must assume your blog is PORN—- buttholes, Vaginas, Penises.

    ….but I must say, I LOVE the Pissing Grandfather. HILAREOUS. HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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