Live and Active Cultures

I open my yogurt, and there’s a small foreign object in the liquid on top.

Rational voice: [examining] It looks like a lemon seed.

Crazy voice: It’s poisoned.

Rational voice: Who would poison a Safeway brand yogurt?

Crazy voice: I don’t know. Dairy terrorists.

RV: [wryly] You mean like the bakery terrorists?

CV: Yes.

RV: That’s very unlikely. Probably, the plain kind is made on the same equipment as the lemon kind. Just to be sure, though, let’s scrape off the top layer.

CV: Don’t do it!

RV: [eating] Stop being a baby.

CV: It tastes funny.

RV: No it doesn’t.

CV: I feel weird. Like I’m getting a cold. I don’t think that was a seed. I think it was someone’s calcified booger.

RV: [sigh] It wasn’t a calcified booger.

CV: I don’t like this. I’ve always felt safe with Safeway. Now I’m eating yogurt with a calcified booger in it.


CV: Well, if I don’t have a cold, it must be leukemia.

RV: You can’t be serious. You didn’t have leukemia the last five times you thought you had leukemia. This is worse than when you claimed your head was “rotting from the inside.”

CV: [defensively] I had foul-smelling nasal secretions.


also, POISON
also, POISON

One thought on “Live and Active Cultures

  1. OMG. When I open something and I sense that the “safety seal” was already broken, it tastes funny to me (NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK WITH A BOX OF CHICKEN BROTH THAT HAD CHANGED THEIR “SAFETY SEAL” OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT). Um, not at all. No.

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