Bitch Who Sells Candles Thinks She’s a Fucking Businesswoman

Chesterton residents report that 34-year-old Robin Zergel, who introduces herself as a “Scentsy consultant,” thinks she’s a fucking businesswoman now or some shit.

Sources say that Zergel, a stay-at-home mom of three, recently adorned her rear windshield with a decal proclaiming her “independent consultant” status with the Scentsy company. “I saw that decal and I was like, ‘Shit,’” said a neighbor of Zergel’s, who wished to remain anonymous. “She be trippin. She sell candles. Them candles be a multi-level marketing scheme anyways.”

“If Robin tells me how ‘amazing’ the cucumber-melon is one more time,” reported another anonymous neighbor, “I will punch her in her fat ‘consultant’ face.”

Zergel’s sister Deborah confirmed that she has been keeping her house in a perpetual state of renovation to avoid being asked to have a Scentsy party.

Zergel’s husband, Carl, told reporters that every time he sees his wife’s “sad, reaching” business cards, he dies a little inside. He also reported living in fear of being asked to take the Scentsy catalog to his workplace.

This lone, melty wax cube contains 75% of Zergel's self-esteem. (photo courtesy Kimberly Gauthier via Flickr Creative Commons)
This lone, melty wax cube contains 75% of Zergel’s self-esteem. (photo courtesy Kimberly Gauthier via Flickr Creative Commons)

 

6 thoughts on “Bitch Who Sells Candles Thinks She’s a Fucking Businesswoman

  1. I’ve been hellaciously sick with some kind of fever/puke bug, so I’ve been binge reading the Inernet in bed. Part of my binge was going through almost all of your posts. I don’t think it’s just this deadly payload of medication talking when I say that I think I love you. You had me at “wax cube contains 75% of Zergel’s self-esteem.”

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