Me: Seriously, stop.
Asshole: (innocently) What?
Me: You know what I’m talking about.
Asshole: Oh. You just now noticed I was here?
Me: Do you think you could let up a bit?
Asshole: ‘Let up a bit’? What’s that supposed to mean?
Me: You’re driving me crazy. I can’t focus.
Asshole: I am so sorry that I’m asking you to pay attention to me.
Me: Why now? Why after all this time?
Asshole: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m aging. My skin is thinning. Pregnancy wasn’t exactly a picnic.
Me: Not that again.
Asshole: That’s just like you. Just stay on your own little cloud and ignore me. I need you to acknowledge my existence every once in a while, you know!
Me: God, just shut up!
Asshole: I ITCH BECAUSE I CARE!
Me: You are impossible! I’ll stop and get some Preparation H, if that’s what you want! Is that what you want?
Asshole: Hmph. It looks like somebody has finally started paying attention to my needs.
Me: I’ve just realized how unsafe it is to be wrist-deep in my own ass while driving.
Asshole: I find your exaggeration tiresome.
Me: (rolling eyes) Asshole.
Asshole: Obfuscating the literal and the figurative, also not funny.
Asshole: Don’t even say “smart ass.”