In Which I Have an Argument With My Own Asshole, and My Asshole Wins

Me: Seriously, stop.

Asshole: (innocently) What?

Me: You know what I’m talking about.

Asshole: Oh. You just now noticed I was here?

Me: Do you think you could let up a bit?

Asshole: ‘Let up a bit’? What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: You’re driving me crazy. I can’t focus.

Asshole: I am so sorry that I’m asking you to pay attention to me.

Me: Why now? Why after all this time?

Asshole: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m aging. My skin is thinning. Pregnancy wasn’t exactly a picnic.

Me: Not that again.

Asshole: That’s just like you. Just stay on your own little cloud and ignore me. I need you to acknowledge my existence every once in a while, you know!

Me: God, just shut up!

Asshole: I ITCH BECAUSE I CARE!

Me: You are impossible! I’ll stop and get some Preparation H, if that’s what you want! Is that what you want?

Asshole: Hmph. It looks like somebody has finally started paying attention to my needs.

Me: I’ve just realized how unsafe it is to be wrist-deep in my own ass while driving.

Asshole: I find your exaggeration tiresome.

Me: (rolling eyes) Asshole.

Asshole: Obfuscating the literal and the figurative, also not funny.

Me: Sm—

Asshole: Don’t even say “smart ass.”

 

Did you know Preparation H contains phenylephrine, which makes anxious people even more anxious? Once I used it and then after I read the ingredients I freaked out because I was afraid I would absorb the phenylephrine through my rectum and go crazy and kill someone. Then I worried about how I would explain it to the authorities: I was overstimulated. Like, by ass caffeine. I was pretty sure I would end up in prison. But then I didn't kill anyone; I just feel asleep. So if you're worried about ass caffeine, it's probably fine.
Did you know Preparation H contains phenylephrine, which makes anxious people even more anxious? Once I used it and then after I read the ingredients I freaked out because I was afraid I would absorb the phenylephrine through my rectum and go crazy and kill someone. Then I worried about how I would explain it to the authorities: I was overstimulated. Like, by ass caffeine. I was pretty sure I would end up in prison. But then I didn’t kill anyone; I just fell asleep. So if you’re worried about ass caffeine, it’s probably fine.

 

 

 

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