Retired Mutant Ninja Turtles

pizza-eating

 

From: abbythewriter@gmail.com

To: bigshottvguy@fakeemail.com

 

Dear Television Executive,

I’m writing to pitch a series that I’m convinced will appeal to an aging demographic. Retired Mutant Ninja Turtles is set in a sewer in south Florida, where live the four brothers that made up the once-lean, green fighting machine. The turtles are living out their golden years in relative obscurity, enjoying the freedom of retirement yet struggling with its challenges. Leo, the oldest, searches for meaning in his life as a former assassin and shoulders the responsibility of caring for his younger brothers and running the family martial arts studio. Raph attends weekly anger management sessions and seeks to feed his empty soul through rampant sexual profligacy. Donnie, once a brilliant inventor but now plagued by the beginning stages of dementia, innocuously putters around the house making things, but his quiet existence is constantly disrupted by the reappearance of his sassy ex-wife April. Mikey, the youngest and least comfortable with aging, tries to relive his glory days through stories (“Back in New York City…”) and hackneyed catchphrases, to which Raph always replies, “Mikey, it’s 2070. No one says ‘Booyakasha’ anymore.” Some nights hormonal changes and nightmares about being attacked by the Kraang keep the turtles awake, and they can be found congregating for some midnight pizza around their lair’s kitchen table, where they solve whichever problem has surfaced during the first eighteen minutes of the episode.

If you’re interested, I’d be happy to send you a draft of the pilot, in which hilarity ensues after Leo notices the first signs of shell rot.

 

Best,

Abby Byrd

 

 

From: bigshottvguy@fakeemail.com

To: abbythewriter@gmail.com

 

Ms. Byrd, what you have described is The Golden Girls, with mutant ninjas.

 

 

From: abbythewriter@gmail.com

To: bigshottvguy@fakeemail.com

 

So that’s a no?

 

 

From: bigshottvguy@fakeemail.com

To: abbythewriter@gmail.com

 

That is a no.

5 thoughts on “Retired Mutant Ninja Turtles

  1. Facebook can suck it. How did I not see this post. This is GOLD (no pun intended, sadly, because I am slow to come up with puns and only made the connection to Golden Girls after I saw “GOLD” in all caps). Anyway, I am such an abhorrent snob these days that nothing makes me laugh. This made me laugh. Your blog routinely makes me laugh. Jen Mann of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame put a call for recommendations of funny bloggers; I gave her your name.

    1. Facebook CAN suck it. I never know what people are seeing, or how to control what they’re seeing. Anyway, THANK YOU, and thank you for the nod to People I Want to Punch in the Throat. (If that made sense.)

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