Gooey Evil Center

8 am, at work

Rational Head Voice: Hmm. I’m still hungry. I should have brought one of those yogurts. Ehh, I don’t know. When I bought all those key lime Greek yogurts, I thought I’d never get sick of eating them. But now I’m kind of getting tired of them.

Crazy Head Voice: That’s just like you, getting bored of things. You’re exactly the kind of person who’d get bored in a marriage and leave. Remember, like Gills-and-Fins said? Actually, I think more than one ex probably said that to you. They were right.

Rational Head Voice: Wait a minute…

Crazy Head Voice: That’s just who you are. You’ll never be able to be in a lasting loving relationship.

Rational Head Voice: Whoa whoa. Hold on here, Crazy Voice. There are some major flaws in your logic.

CHV: Like?

RHV: Like the fact that there is a big difference between yogurt and people. Yogurt and people are not the same thing. You understand that, right?

CHV: [grudgingly] All right. I’ll allow it. But so help me God, if you even think about buying a new brand of cereal, I will lacerate you, you whore.

RHV: Noted.

 

later

RHV: Eww. This wedding ring smells like feet!

CHV: It smells because your marriage is doomed, because you’re a bad person with a gooey evil center who destroys every relationship.

RHV: Actually, I’m fairly sure it smells because I haven’t had it off one time in four years, which means it hasn’t been cleaned in four years, and there’s gunk building up in the filigree on the inside.

CHV: Well, don’t take it off. If you take it off, it signals doom for your marriage.

RHV: Have you ever noticed that according to you, a lot of things signal doom?

CHV: I DOOM don’t see what you mean DOOM.

RHV: It has to be cleaned. I can’t take the smell. Let me just see if I can get it over the knuckle.

CHV: NO! ARE YOU INSANE?!

RHV: Done. I’m soaking it in a solution of warm water and dish soap.

CHV: Well, the marriage had a good run.

 

I went a harrowing 24 hours without wearing my wedding ring, and I remained married. So it’s obvious that I was conflating two unrelated variables.

In other news, my new yoga pants are amazing—so gentle, so supportive. I’m never taking them off. I’m pretty sure they’re magic pants, and that my life is about to get way better.

 

Me, struggling to tame the beast. Which could be anxiety, or chronic butt itch. It's a metaphor. I'll let you interpret.
Me, struggling to tame a lion. Which probably represents anxiety. Or chronic butt itch. It’s a metaphor. I’ll let you interpret.

2 thoughts on “Gooey Evil Center

  1. I can absolutely relate. I think my mind also has a faulty meaning relay switch. I call this feeling “the death bet.” It happens every time I break one of those arbitrary rules and get that sense of impending doom, as if breaking the ritual is equivalent to Russian Roulette. Uncertainty is tough to live with, so we make up rules that lead to good fortune. It’s nice to meet another one. Be well.

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