In the continuing saga of chronic anxiety and depression, I’ve noticed that my symptoms get worse during ovulation and right before my period. So I downloaded an app to keep track of my cycle, hoping to know at least when to expect the craziness. It’s not a bad app, I suppose. It was free, for one thing; I’m generally cross about paying for things my biological sex dictates I need. I’m one of those people who thinks feminine hygiene products are outrageously expensive and should rain from the sky for all to consume freely, like gold coins or Hershey’s kisses or Xanax.
I still remember how excited we got the first week back to college when the RA came to pass out our Good Stuff boxes. Good Stuff boxes were about the size of a shoe box and filled with hygiene products, aspirin, and sundry other items college students might need. But one year, the girls were dismayed to find that the boys received a bottle of Fruitopia fruit drink, which had recently become available in vending machines on campus, while in the female boxes, the juice-bottle-sized space was taken up by a maxi pad large enough to collect the flow of a menstruating rhinoceros. It was such a letdown, being reminded of the burden of my sex. I rationalized the unfair situation, figuring that at least if a nearby male spilled his delicious Fruitopia drink, I’d be able to sweep in and mop it up with a gigantic maxi pad that I’d been keeping in my backpack for just such purpose. “Don’t worry; I’ve got this covered,” I’d say, smiling and holding up a maxi pad dripping with Strawberry Passion Awareness. (The best flavor, btw, imho.)
Anyway, I picked this period-tracker because 1) It’s free. 2) Its calendar has spaces for the user to make notes about her menses-related symptoms. And 3) Its icon is a cat in a bow tie sitting on a crescent moon, which I have to admit I found irresistible, if not completely illogical. Go on, what’s the first thing a bleeding womb makes you think of? A cat in a bow tie sitting on a crescent moon, right? I’m pretty sure this app is Japanese. Only a people responsible for both Hello Kitty and tentacle porn could have conceived of something so inappropriately cute.
I have to wonder how I was so easily taken in by this inanity. A calendar full of stars and moons? I’m a matter-of-fact person who prefers matter-of-fact icons. Say, an infant face with x’s for eyeballs on the expected start date, to signify the passing of yet another opportunity to procreate, and on every day the week prior, a butcher knife.
I really just need to know the basics: when stuff’s gonna come out of there, and when I’m gonna want to kill people.
Oh my god… I just put my finger on the cat icon, and he stretches and blinks and wiggles his whiskers.
I’m sorry I mocked your cuteness, Period Cat. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
A much funnier version of this post appears here on In the Powder Room.