Pastel Clusterf*ck

On the way home from grocery shopping the day Easter candy appears in stores

Id: I can’t get it open!

Superego: Put the bag down, Id! The light’s about to turn green, and I’m not having us get into an accident because of your sugar addiction.

Ego: Just relax. [to Id] Here. Take this key and stab the bag open.

Superego: Oh, Christ. You enable him.

Id: [unwrapping a Krackel] Ahhhh.

Superego: May I remind you that it’s 8:30 a.m. and you haven’t eaten breakfast? Chocolate is not a proper breakfast.

Ego: Krackel bars have rice in them. So it’s like…breakfast rice.

Superego: [turning to Id] If it weren’t for me, we’d all be dead by now.

Id: [ignoring him and reaching for a Reese’s peanut butter cup] Yummy.

Superego, to Ego: Come on! Aren’t you going to do anything?

Ego: [shrugs] It’s peanut butter. It has protein. Iron.

Superego: [pointing] It’s your lax ways that have almost run us aground. You’re the reason we always retried relationships that didn’t work the first time. You’re definitely the reason we drank a whole bottle of wine on a first date!

Ego: [defensively] You KNOW alcohol impairs my judgment!

Superego: Which is why you shouldn’t drink it in the first place!

Id: [now reaching for fourth piece of candy] So delicious.

Ego: [to Superego] Why do you always have to bring up the past? While you’re running on at the mouth, Id’s gonna eat the whole bag. [to Id, gently] Hey buddy. Listen, Hershey’s kisses don’t really work for breakfast. I know it’s a candy assortment, but I’m siding with Superego on this one. Let’s put it away, OK?

Id: [whimpering, reaching for latte instead]

Ego: That’s a good Id. [motions for Superego to put candy back in bag with the other groceries]

Superego: [shakes head] You know we’re going to go through this every shopping trip between now and Easter.

Ego: [nods slowly, holding Id and patting him on the back] Oh yeah. It’s gonna be a pastel clusterfuck of gluttony up in here. Foil wrappers everywhere.

Superego: It’s going to be a difficult season for us.

Ego: [sighing, patting Id] Aren’t they all?




4 thoughts on “Pastel Clusterf*ck

  1. Your Id is so likable–adorable!–and it’s awesome the way Ego is so protective of it. My Id is a f#cking closet case, and my Ego either cowers in a corner giving it free reign, or panics and tries stomping it to death. It ain’t pretty.

    (Brilliant idea for a post, Abby.)

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