God’s Judgment (The Clown Saga Continues)

Since those fucking clowns have been praying for me, I tweeted a few days ago, I’ve had strep throat and influenza and gotten six rejections.

So that’s what happens when hundreds of clowns pray for you. Boy, was I wrong. Not only am I not invincible; I’m downright vulnerable. This recent turn of events suggests one of four things:

  1. The clowns lied and did not, in fact, pray for me.
  2. The clowns did pray, but God doesn’t like them.
  3. The clowns actively prayed for bad things to happen.
  4. Prayer doesn’t work. (It can’t be that one.)

Fortunately, a new clown commenter has clarified the situation. So you say you were sick, writes he (or she). Well, maybe you are getting what you deserve. God’ s judgement falls on the just and unjust. Watch what you blog or your strepped throat may spread all the way through you and out your butt.

Oh, so that’s why I got sick. God’s judgment. Well, that makes a hell of a lot more sense than these newfangled “bacteria” people keep talking about.

Clown, clown, clown. Where should I begin? With your fundamental illiteracy? I didn’t have “strepped” throat, because “strep” isn’t a verb. Your strange ideas about epidemiology strongly suggest that you’re scientifically illiterate as well. But let’s focus on the more important point: What kind of Christian wishes for someone to be stricken with strep asshole? Ah, that’s right: My suffering with strep asshole fits your laughably simplistic view of how the world works. Well, guess what, clown? Lots of people who don’t “deserve” to get sick get horrible diseases for reasons that are almost always explainable by science. We’re still not clear exactly what causes cancer, but it isn’t being mean to clowns.

“Can you believe this?” I said to my husband. “Strep in my butt? Strep… anus?”

“Strep rectum?” he said, not looking up. “Strectum?”

“Do you get white patches on your ass with that? And when you go to the doctor, do they do an anal swab?”

We both shuddered, and I savored the moment. You see, when I woke up this morning, I had no idea that today I’d utter the phrase “anal swab.”

That’s why I could never kill myself. Because life is full of beautiful surprises.


Get your swab ready, nurse. This anus looks like it's got a case of God's Judgment.
Get your swab ready, nurse. This anus looks like it’s got a case of God’s Judgment.

9 thoughts on “God’s Judgment (The Clown Saga Continues)

  1. I just literally laughed out loud!!! Hope you are feeling better now. You need to get rid of that strep anus, I hear it’s pretty nasty 😉

  2. Oh, Abby, Abby, Abby,

    Ye of zero faith Your atheism blinds you to the multitude of fishes wishes possibilities of prayers there’s.

    5. The clowns did pray, God likes them, and delivered an answer he knew would make them happier at heart than the one for which they prayed. Tell me Bozo the Butt Prophet doesn’t sound happy!

    On the use of “strepped”, I believe the clown is “verb-izing”, which has become a commonplace in English (similar to how I just noun-ized that adjective “commonplace”), and exactly the way “dissing”, or “disrespecting” was coined from the noun “disrespect”.

    Did you discriminate against his use of verb-izing because he was in whiteface, and you thus assumed he was not black? But do we not, across the wider U.S. culture, allow significant language latitude for blacks to expand the horizons of English? Should you not, Abby, allow clowns the same latitude–no matter what skin color lurks creepily lies beneath their hideous only-the-French could find amusingfalse faces?

    I know I give clowns as much latitude as humanly possible.

    (Feel better. To reduce odds of similar future rejection rates, I would not widely advertise that your butt may now be harboring strep bacteria. Frankly, Abby, I would not want you to sit on any interview chairs in MY office. It’s not like you can gargle with Listerine or anything.)

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