A Complete List of Afflictions I Have Self-Diagnosed

For those of you who are new to my blog, here’s a handy catalogue of afflictions I have self-diagnosed, along with their ICD-10 categories:


A00-B99  Certain infectious and parasitic diseases

rare bacterial infestation

systemic candida infection

“parrot fever”


C00-D49  Neoplasms

brain tumor

Michael Douglas cancer

whatever the worst kind of leukemia is

inner facial necrosis (revised from earlier diagnosis, ear cancer)


E110-E89  Endocrine, nutritional and metabolic diseases

hormonal imbalance

plantar hyperhidrosis (excessive foot sweating)

cruciferous vegetable intolerance

chronic chocolate deficiency syndrome


CCDS is nothing to fuck around with.
CCDS is nothing to fuck around with.


F01-F99  Mental and Behavioral Disorders


early-onset dementia

excessive list-making


Crotch Tourrette’s


N00-N99  Diseases of the genitourinary system

recalcitrant bladder

ovarian ennui


R00-R99  Symptoms, signs and abnormal clinical and laboratory findings, not elsewhere classified

unspecified eyelid affliction

abnormal nostril behavior, left only


T00-T88  Injury, poisoning and certain other consequences of external causes

rubbing alcohol poisoning

cinnamon poisoning, early stages

mouthwash poisoning (I was refreshing my oral hygiene while leaving school was going to spit the mouthwash in the water fountain, but then someone said “bye” to me and I couldn’t not say “bye,” so I had to swallow it)

ricin poisoning (from partially open package of muffins at Safeway that had been tampered with by a bakery terrorist)


Was unable to find ICD-10 classification for “narcissistic butthole,” so any coding experts out there, please advise.