For those of you who are new to my blog, here’s a handy catalogue of afflictions I have self-diagnosed, along with their ICD-10 categories:

 

A00-B99  Certain infectious and parasitic diseases

rare bacterial infestation

systemic candida infection

“parrot fever”

 

C00-D49  Neoplasms

brain tumor

Michael Douglas cancer

whatever the worst kind of leukemia is

inner facial necrosis (revised from earlier diagnosis, ear cancer)

 

E110-E89  Endocrine, nutritional and metabolic diseases

hormonal imbalance

plantar hyperhidrosis (excessive foot sweating)

cruciferous vegetable intolerance

chronic chocolate deficiency syndrome

 

 

F01-F99  Mental and Behavioral Disorders

sociopathy

early-onset dementia

excessive list-making

cyberchondria

Crotch Tourrette’s

 

N00-N99  Diseases of the genitourinary system

recalcitrant bladder

ovarian ennui

 

R00-R99  Symptoms, signs and abnormal clinical and laboratory findings, not elsewhere classified

unspecified eyelid affliction

abnormal nostril behavior, left only

 

T00-T88  Injury, poisoning and certain other consequences of external causes

rubbing alcohol poisoning

cinnamon poisoning, early stages

mouthwash poisoning (I was refreshing my oral hygiene while leaving school was going to spit the mouthwash in the water fountain, but then someone said “bye” to me and I couldn’t not say “bye,” so I had to swallow it)

ricin poisoning (from partially open package of muffins at Safeway that had been tampered with by a bakery terrorist)

 

Was unable to find ICD-10 classification for “narcissistic butthole,” so any coding experts out there, please advise.