Things I Would Do If I Were a Hippo
1. Spray poop all over the place to mark my territory
Really Sharp States That Can Be Used as Weapons
Bad Names for My Little Ponies
1. Shit Twinkle
Things I’ve Yelled at Stinkbugs in my Kitchen
1. “Get on the paper towel, fuckface!”
What You Should Know Before You Spend a Year on the Savanna as the Consort of a Lion King
1. Cats have barbed penises.
Worst Aquatic Vacation Bible School Themes
1. “Plunge Into Jesus”
Reasons I Can’t Get Published on McSweeney’s
1. I can’t finish lists.
I need to work on that, I guess. Anyway, I know a real live actual person who just got published on McSweeney’s. I even met her and she has like, skin and hair and everything! She’s a big supporter of me and she’s wickedly smart and funny and she understands my dislike for other human beings. Check out E.R. Catalano’s How To Dress for Your Body’s Parasitic Twin.
And if you’re so inclined, you can check out Letter From My Insurance Company Denying Coverage Of Mental Health Services For Show Choir-Related Trauma, which went up yesterday at The Big Jewel. I like those folks over there. Those are good folks. I wrote this piece last summer and [Unnamed Editor] at [Unnamed Pretty Important Publication] let it languish in Submittable purgatory for almost a year. I won’t name names, ‘cause I’m classy, and I don’t want to ruin my chances with that pub, like I probably did with McSweeney’s when I said they were a bunch of snobs who like the smell of their own farts. I mean…I may have said that. I probably didn’t. (I said it.)
I still love them, though.