About Abby

Abby Byrd mothers, frets, writes, teaches, and corrects other people’s grammar in an undisclosed location on the East coast of the United States of America. Her work has appeared on Huffington Post and Scary Mommy, among other sites, and in three anthologies. She is seeking an agent for a memoir about her decade-long search for a partner and why correct use of the semicolon may not be the most important quality in a mate. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Abby also does freelance editing. Contact her at abbybwriter@gmail.com. Don’t bother sending admonitions or prayers. She has a robot monkey assistant that filters that shit out.


Disclaimer: You may be offended by the content of this blog if any of the following descriptors apply to you.

  1. You have no sense of humor.
  2. You don’t understand satire.
  3. You’re offended by foul language, penis-shaped candles, or pumpkin-flavored personal lubricant.
  4. You’re the kind of Christian who thinks Ronald Reagan was the second coming of Christ.
  5. You’re a clown. Like, a real clown.
  6. You’re my hipsterdouche ex-boyfriend from 2005.
  7. You have a truck, and it has nuts.
  8. You collect teddy bears.
  9. Your self-worth is derived from whatever multi-level marketing scheme you participate in.
  10. You put apostrophes in words that are plural but not possessive. God, you have no idea how much I hate you.


Catch Abby on the Inside Voice podcast:

Click for awesomeness! Or drivel. Or something.


On Huffington Post:

Last Visit


On Scary Mommy:

The 5 Things Your Middle Schooler Is Doing Right Now

The Lunch-Packing Manifesto

The Myth of Santa Claus

Why We Still Need Our Mothers in the Age of Google

20 Signs You’re Addicted to Sugar

The Weird Sex Dreams Don’t Stop When You Get Married

20 Reasons Why I Need To Time Travel Back To The ’80s


On BLUNTmoms:

Don’t Punch Babies

Your Dog Is Not a Child

Crazy Shit That Should Make You Run to your Gyno

How to Survive a Direct Sales Party


On Mamalode:

Why I’m Choosing to Have Only One Child


On In the Powder Room:

You Can Tell From My Handbag–I’m Failing Womanhood

5 Ideas for Better Period Tracker Apps

The No-Holds-Barred Guide to Ovulation for Women Over 35

Makeup Hacks for Moms

Confessions of a So-Called Cougar

How to Still Be Hot with a Recurring UTI


On The Good Men Project:

I Am Your Son’s Female Teacher


On the humor site The Reject Pile:

Questions to Ask When a Student Brings You a Homemade Clock

Pickup Lines for Sapiosexuals


On the humor site The Big Jewel:

Passive-Aggressive Erotica

A Letter From My Insurance Company Denying Coverage of Mental Health Services for Show Choir-Related Trauma


On the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop:

From the live broadcast of my high school reunion

The passive-aggressive, unintentionally racist Dunkin’ Donuts customer


On Sammiches and Psych Meds/MockMom:

As a guest poster on these blogs:

Abandoning Pretense (The Internet on Sex: Stop Telling Us What Normal Is)

Welcome to the Bundle (Zoloft for Breakfast)

Sammiches & Psych Meds (13 New Classroom Rules, Humorous Classroom Wish List, Why We Shouldn’t Praise Students in Public, How Playtime and Cake Pops Spawn Sugar Demons)


In Scary Mommy’s Guide to the Holidays










… Martinis and Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe, and WTF?!…






But Did

and But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low (Book #5 in the I Just Want to Pee Alone series)!

15 thoughts on “About Abby

  1. Love the Classroom Rules post. (Found your site from a Reddit link). I do believe they’ll be up in my own classroom within the next few weeks. Thanks for a good weekend laugh.

  2. Abby, after thirty-three years as a classroom teacher, I wrote a manuscript, “No Teacher Left Behind . . . ” . This manuscript was in response to advising an administrator that I was authoring the book for the next worthless book study being imposed on the faculty. I’d love to send you a copy.

  3. Allow me to join you in Club Disbelief? Hello! Why are funny people not more valued in our society? Fine, when we all get tired of not being appreciated and go away, what will make them laugh then, huh? I hope they have a stockpile of Knock Knock Dixie Cups and Bazooka Joe wrappers with bad puns to carry on with. They’ll be sorry! The day they’re forced to laugh at the jokes printed on the popsicle sticks, we’ll have our revenge. Our day will come.

    p.s. I TOTALLY HEART Lola Lolita. She rocks.

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