Tracking the Data: Parenting a Toddler

The following frequency table shows behaviors exhibited by my toddler within the last 72 hours.

Behavior Number of Occurrences
emptying contents of drawers/cabinets |||| |
emptying dog’s water bowl |||
banging head on sliding glass door |
trying to twist the toes off a 3-month-old baby ||
kicking me while I try to change his diaper ||||
pulling my hair |||
screaming and flailing because I took a sharp object away from him ||
cramming food into his mouth with both fists ||
going limp because he doesn’t want to be picked up |
trying to ride dog ||||
grabbing dog by the beard |||
chasing cat |
eating dog’s kibble ||
eating crayons |
eating mulch/stone/other landscaping material ||
pointing at laptop and squealing for cartoons ||||
pointing at/squealing for Goldfish |||
throwing food on floor |||
putting face in mud puddle |
looking up at me from his crib and sweetly saying “Night-night” |
Woman, do you or do you not see this bag on the counter? I expect these crackers in my chubby little hands within five seconds or so help me God, I will bring a thunderstorm of ire down upon this entire neighborhood.

Analyzing the Data

According to this data, my child is an asshole in 49 out of 50 instances, which is to say 98% of the time. This could be illustrated with a pie graph if I didn’t have a pounding headache precluding me from making pie graphs.

Interpreting the Data

Parenting is like education.

1. It’s hard work.

2. It’s frustrating.

And most important,

3. It isn’t about data.