My Motherf*cking Virtuous Day of Eating

I’m positive you don’t want to hear what I ate today. I know I wouldn’t, if I were you. There’s nothing I dread more than hearing “All I ate today was…,” followed by a catalog of foodstuffs. It’s second only to “I have to tell you about this dream I had last night.” Please don’t. I can promise that I’m going to find whatever random images your visual cortex barfed out into your amygdala both meaningless and unentertaining.

What I ATE TODAY, though!

And now I’m going to brag a little.

I began the day with a plain yogurt. Did you hear what I said? PLAIN. Motherfucking plain. This is gonna be hard core, people. I don’t know if you can handle it. I’m not going to be offended if you can’t. But as I said, plain yogurt, with a couple of handfuls of granola. As I was eating this, I drank a coffee—a black, DECAF coffee. Can you believe this shit? I barely can.

After a grueling morning of evaluating thesis statements, I treated myself to a bowl of greens. Listen to these greens: spinach, baby bok choy, chard. BOOM! Triple. Motherfucking chard up in here. I told you this shit was intense. Absolutely PACKED with nutrients. Wait ‘til you hear what I ate on this fucking salad. Half a fresh pear, some cubes of feta, dried cranberries, and balsamic vinaigrette, a dressing that practically has ZERO calories. Unbelievable.

Sadness in leaf form.

Mid-afternoon, I microwaved half a sweet potato and ate that motherfucker with a little cinnamon.

On the way home from my afternoon appointment, I had one honeycrisp apple.

I didn’t want to ruin my streak, so at Chipotle, I ordered a burrito bol with not one, but TWO kinds of beans, no meat, brown rice, and no cheese.

No. Motherfucking. Cheese.

I ate a few of the tortilla chips on the way home, and that was it. No sugar. No overeating. I didn’t put a single empty calorie in my body, and now I runneth over with energy. I am a powerhouse.

I will eat all of your souls with a side of donuts.