Hello. Congratulations on purchasing this GORB model entertainment center, designed by someone with a name that sounds very much like something the Swedish Chef1 would say right before he chucks a pair of kitchen utensils. This package contains all the parts and tools you will need to assemble our fine product. Probably. You might have to drive back to the fucking store. Expect assembly to take approximately 8-9 hours.
Step 1. Verify materials. Your package contains the following:
- 5,000 wooden dowels
- 30 screws
- 30 slightly smaller screws that are virtually indistinguishable from previously listed screws
- 30 of those little silver barrel-shaped things with holes in them. You know.
- 6 large rectangular panels and 6 smaller rectangular panels, all with holes pretty much wherever we felt like putting them
- a thin, irregularly-shaped, cardboard-like panel that will be destroyed by the end of assembly
- An equal number of nuts and bolts. Please note that despite their being packaged in pairs, one nut will not have a bolt.
- One inappropriately-sized allen wrench
- A packet of silica gel, for freshness. DO NOT EAT.
Assembly will also require a hammer, a Phillips head screwdriver, and the patience of Job. Alcohol is not required but is strongly recommended.
Step 2: Lay out tools and materials. Reprimand the cat, who has already started batting shit all over the goddamn place.
Step 3: Put the 5,000 wooden dowels in all the holes in the larger rectangular panels. Wait, not all the holes! Just the ones on the inside on panels A-C. And on the outside on panels D-F. Jam the silver-barrel-shaped thingies in the remaining holes, which are the outside holes on A-C but inside holes on D-F. We can’t help it that panels “E” and “F” are indistinguishable from one another. Figure it out!
Step 4: Do you feel a desire for meatballs? Of course you do! Meatballs are awesome! You can’t have meatballs right now; you have work to do. Get back to work.
Step 5: Using nuts and bolts, join Panel A to Panel B and Panel B to Panel C. Tighten with allen wrench. Then join Panel D to Panel E to and Panel E to Panel F. Then join the A-B-C monstrosity to the D-E-F monstrosity using superhuman strength and agility. This is the step where you need another person. If you live alone, you can complete this step, but it will take five times as long, and you will cry harder and curse louder and drink more while completing it. You are also more likely to injure yourself. But cheer up–you’re almost finished! Isn’t that exciting?
Step 6: Locate the back of the A-B-C-D-E-F monstrosity, which should look vaguely quadrilateral by this point, and nail on the flimsy cardboard-like piece. You will nail through it, so as you’re hammering, start figuring out how you’re going to cover up that unsightly hole. May we suggest construction paper and Hello Kitty adhesive bandages?2
Step 7: Admire your work. Please note that as you clean up your work area, you will almost certainly find one piece that appears to belong nowhere yet is somehow necessary to the furniture’s structural integrity. Just trash it, ‘cause…
Step 8: IT’S MEATBALL TIME!!3
1Although some Swedes see the Chef as a gross caricature, most of our people consider that crazy eyeless bastard a national treasure.
2Hello Kitty is a registered trademark of Sanrio Corp. and is not owned by IKEA. We wish we owned her, though. Can you imagine the sheer preciousness of a STORGSEN chair and DORP cover patterned with Hello Kitty heads?
3Seriously, you have to eat Swedish meatballs. It’s part of the directions. It’s not optional.
The lingonberry jam is optional.